You Didn’t ‘Fall Out Of Love’. You Stopped Trying.

Communication is important in every relationship. What people fail to realize is that you can’t communicate well in a relationship if you don’t know your partner’s primary love language.

Imagine meeting someone whose primary language is different from yours. You might have good intentions towards the person but your communication would always be limited.

The same thing happens when it comes to relationships. People speak different primary love languages. If we want to communicate effectively, we must learn the language of those with whom we wish to communicate.

I recently read Gary Chapman’sThe Five Love Languages: The Secret To Love That Lasts and I’ve come to realize something. Most relationships and marriages end because both partners are speaking different languages.

When a relationship starts, there’s always the ‘in love experience’ and during this period, we’re emotionally obsessed with our partner. We go to sleep thinking of them and when we wake up, they’re the first thoughts that come to our minds. When you spend time together, it’s like the best time of your life. You dream of them and long to be with them forever.

One who has this ‘in love’ experience is of the view that their partner is perfect in all ways. According to Dr Gary, the longest period of this in love experience is two years and after this period, we’re not naïve anymore. We begin to see our partner’s flaws and our eyes are opened. We start to find some of their personality traits irritating and we see annoying behavioural patterns.

The next thing you realize is, they’re not as attractive as they were at the beginning of the relationship. You now start to wonder how you didn’t see all these before and if it was just a façade.

Don’t misunderstand me. I’m not saying when you fall in love, it isn’t real. All I’m saying is most times, people are of the belief that this in love experience lasts forever but it doesn’t.

Maybe it does. But that’s only possible when you understand each other’s love languages.

When you’re done being so obsessed with your partner and start to express your desires for the relationship and yourself but you see that it’s entirely different from what he/she wants, you start thinking that maybe it wasn’t real after all.

You begin to see that you’re two different beings entirely. Your minds are not together. You only had similar emotions swimming in the ocean of love for a certain period of time and now you begin to think you’ve ‘fallen out of love’.

Have you? Or your eyes have just opened to reality?

How can you know the difference between the in love experience and real love?

“The in-love experience does not focus on our own growth nor on the growth and development of the other person. Rather, it gives us the sense that we have arrived.”

This experience makes us feel less lonely and loved. It gives a temporary emotional apex of life’s happiness. It tends to disengage our reasoning abilities, and we often find ourselves doing and saying things that we would never have done in more sober moments.

When we come down from the emotional obsession, we often wonder why we did those things. We start to ask why we got into the relationship in the first place.

Our most basic emotional need is not to fall in love but to be genuinely loved by another, to know a love that grows out of reason and choice, not instinct. I need to be loved by someone who chooses to love me, who sees in me something worth loving.

After the ‘in love’ experience is over, you can either decide you’ve ‘fallen out of love’ or you can pursue the real love with your partner.

Real love starts when you decide that although your partner is an entirely different being from you, you’ll put in efforts to try and understand them better. This kind of love requires effort and discipline. At this stage, you’ll start asking yourself how you can meet each other’s emotional need.

If you choose to follow this path, you’ll have to know your partner’s love language in order to fill their emotional tank.

THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES.

1. Words of Affirmation.

Naturally, when someone compliments you, you’ll feel confident about yourself right?

Giving verbal compliments to your partner is one way to fill their emotional tank and make them feel loved.

Sometimes, your partner feels insecure and lacks the courage to tell you but you don’t have to wait till when they’re insecure. Remind them regularly of how much they mean to you and why they’re special.

Maybe your partner has the potential to do something but they are scared and feel it’s never going to be good enough. They just need your encouraging words to motivate them to develop their potential.

Encouragement requires empathy and seeing the world from your spouse’s perspective. We must first learn what is important to our spouse.

-Gary Chapman.

Encouraging words would sound like this. “If you decide to do that, I can tell you one thing. You will be a success. That’s one of the things I like about you. When you set your mind to something, you do it. If that’s what you want to do, I will certainly do everything I can to help you.”

Verbal encouraging words show your partner that you care and support them every step of the way.

It’s not all about verbal encouragement. Be kind too.

When you disagree with your partner on something, you can express your hurt and disappointment in a calm and kind way. Not in a way that would worsen the situation.

“The way you hung up last night was very rude and I was hurt and disappointed but I’m sorry if I offended you” definitely sounds better than calling back and shouting at them that they don’t deserve you. Then you hang up on them to feel better about yourself.

NOTE: THE MANNER IN WHICH YOU SPEAK IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT.

If your partner’s love language is words of affirmation,

• Compliment them when you’re both alone, in the presence of their friends, parents and kids (if you have any).
• Look for your partners strengths and tell them how much you appreciate them.
• Write a poem or a long paragraph describing how you feel about them.

2. Quality Time.

There’s no way you can fully understand your partner if you don’t spend enough time with them. Spending time with your partner is everything. You get to talk about life, the challenges you face at work and how your day went.

Togetherness has to do with focused attention.

When you’re spending time with your partner, it’s important to give them your undivided attention. Your partner shouldn’t be talking to you about something and then you’re busy doing another thing. It’s wrong.

You can look them in the eye, nod your head or probably add a point or two to what they’re saying to show that you’re listening to them.

Sometimes, you don’t need to add anything to what they’re saying. Just let them vent about their pain and frustrations. Learn to listen in order to communicate love.

A relationship calls for sympathetic listening with a view to understanding the other person’s thoughts, feelings, and desires. We must be willing to give advice but only when it is requested and never in a condescending manner.

–Gary Chapman.

If quality time is your partner’s love language,

• Don’t listen to your partner and do something else.
• Maintain eye contact when they’re talking.
• Listen for feelings.
• Don’t interrupt them.

3. Receiving Gifts.

Gifts are a symbol of love. It’s not the quantity or price of the gifts that usually matter. It’s the thought behind the gift.

“I saw this while coming from work and it reminded me of you so I bought it.”

Visual symbols of love are important to some people than others. If you have no idea of the gifts you could buy for your partner, ask them what they like and get it for them. By doing this, you’re investing in your relationship and filling your partner’s emotional tank.

Physical presence in the time of crisis is the most powerful gift you can give if your spouse’s primary love language is receiving gifts.

–Gary Chapman.

 

Being with your partner during important events like birthdays, childbirth, parents funeral, etc. is also important. Your body becomes the symbol of love in this situation. If your partner’s love language is receiving gifts, imbibe the spirit of giving.

4. Acts of Service.

By acts of service, I mean doing the things you know your partner would like you to do. If you don’t know, ask them.

Simple actions like washing the dishes, doing the laundry, cooking a meal, etc. goes a long way to fulfil the emotional needs of some partners.

If you’d like your partner to do something for you, ask them to do it with love. Don’t demand it from them. You’re a lover, not a tyrant.

Requests give direction to love, but demands stop the flow of love.

If you demand them to do something for you, they might choose not to do it because of how you approached them. Love is a choice and cannot be coerced.

If your partner’s love language is Acts of Service,

• Make a lists of all the requests they’ve made for the past few weeks and do them one by one.
• Ask your partner for a list of the things they’d like you to do. Do them.
• Ask your partner for the daily activities that would speak love to them and do it.

5. Physical Touch.

If you didn’t know about anything I’ve typed since, you should know that physical touch is a common way of expressing emotional love.

Holding hands, kissing, embracing, sexual intercourse are all common ways of communicating emotional love to one’s partner.

Physical touch can make or break a relationship. It can communicate hate or love.

–Gary Chapman.

Just because physical touch is an expression of love doesn’t mean that all touches are created equal. Touches take different forms. Some partners find certain forms of touch uncomfortable. Don’t make the mistake that the touch that brings pleasure to you would bring pleasure to them.

Learn to speak their love dialect.

If your partner’s primary love language is physical touch, nothing is more important than holding them as they cry.

If your partner’s love language is Physical Touch,

• Reach out and hold hands with them in public.
• Hug them frequently.
• Massage their shoulders after they finish a tedious work.

How Can You Know Your Partner’s Love language?

It’s easy.

Your partner’s criticisms about your behaviour provides you with the clearest clue to their primary love language.

People tend to criticize their partners most loudly in the area where they themselves have the deepest emotional need.

Their criticism is an ineffective way of pleading for love. If we understand that, it may help us process their criticism in a more productive manner.

Nobody is perfect. Love is always a choice. Putting in the effort to communicate well and be on the same page with your partner is everything.

You probably didn’t fall out of love. You just stopped trying.

If you enjoyed this post, I have an ebook coming out on December 25!

To purchase a copy when it’s available, contact me here.